It's not me. It's you.

I'm not as approachable as you think.

People ask me for directions every day because, for whatever reason, I seem really approachable. Unfortunately, despite how approachable I am, I am terrible with directions. If my left hand didn't conveniently make an L, for "Left" I would never be able to get anywhere. So I give bad directions, and also I like to make sarcastic comments because they amuse me. Sometimes I combine the two together if my day is going slowly.
Like today when an irritating woman asked me where BBQs or Johnny Rockets was, but she didn't even know the name of the street they were on. I told her I had never heard of BBQs but I knew where the Johnny Rockets was . . . in Philadelphia. (it's on south street. the waitresses sing.) This made her think i was an idiot, but also got me out of the conversation so that I could cross the street before the light turned red. Which was the goal.

Tourists also always stop me and ask for restaurant suggestions because they expect every one who isn't visiting from Oklahoma to be a walking Zagat guide, an expert in the New York Experience. Even when you do suggest something nearby they'll start asking about the wine list, gluten-free options, and whether or not they have high chairs. If they really wanted to know what it is like to live in New York than they would follow me back to my tiny apartment in Brooklyn to eat macaroni and cheese straight from the pot, watching American Idol in my bed with the cat.

posted by k. @ 11:23 PM