It's not me. It's you.

Why dating me can be a challenge.

It has been suggested that I have a little bit of a listening comprehension problem, as exhibited below. (The comments below were taken word for word from recent escapades.)

<>He says: “Is it ok if I don’t call you tomorrow?”
I hear: “When I say ‘tomorrow’, I mean ‘ever’, because I am a terrible, horrible, heartless person. Everything I have said to you up until this point was a lie. Also, I keep 14 year old girls locked in a dungeon in my apartment, obv.”

<>He says: “Everyone has skeletons in their closet.”
I hear: “I killed a man.”

<>He says: “Oh no thanks, I don’t drink”
I hear: “I’m a recovering alcoholic who used to go on lengthy drug and alcohol fueled binges, I was a drug runner in Mexico, and also I killed a man.”

<>He says: “I’ve always liked high heels on women.”
I hear: “I’m the creepy guy on Craigslist always offering to pay women to come walk across my naked body in high heels.”

<>He says: “Do you want to come upstairs? I have . . .um . . . ice cream?”
I hear: “ICE CREAM!!!”

posted by k. @ 3:04 PM