It's not me. It's you.

Mediocre Romantic Comedy: Opening Credits

I have an apartment. I have a job. I have an apartment AND a job. In New York. This is splendid.

Now the fine print.

My sister and I found the worst apartment in Brooklyn. And then we rented it. Somewhere in the middleI guess there was a decision process that neither of us can explain. We fell in love with it the way you fall in love with a three legged dog.

It is a charming disaster. The disaster part is pretty obvious, but I swear if you squint your eyes and turn your head to the left, just enough to make the floor look even - you will find the charming. There are two bedrooms. My sister's bedroom will have to double as a living room, and my room will not consist of much more than a bed surrounded on all sides by wall, with no windows. A wide hallway will serve as an office area, and there is space in the kitchen for a table. (Because the kitchen is not already occupied with counter space or appliances.) The bathroom is so small a full size bathtub does not even fit, so there's the shortened version. The sink is placed above the toilet, (seriously?) and a pull-lever next to the bath is used to stop the drain.

We are on the third floor of this apartment building, allowing us to see eye-to-eye with the BQE (Bronx Queen Expressway - yeah, thats a highway) just across the way. More importantly, we have a perfect view of the Simple Life Til Death Do Us Part billboard. Paris and Nicole will know where we sleep.

Next door is an auto-body repair shop which clearly only deals in stolen vehicles. The landlord speaks limited English and only accepts rent in cash. Our lease was one page. Where it says "2. NO PETS" he actually meant "1 or 2 cats or small dogs would be fine." This was not specified because apparently, cats and small dogs are not "pets." So, at least we'll have a cat.

Stay tuned as this charming disaster saga develops and eventally becomes my novel, with a pink cover and a photo of a cat. It will appear briefly on the extended New York Times Book Review before being made into another chick-lit-novel-turned-romantic-comedy-film, met with average reviews. Viewers will leave the theatre shaking their heads. "Bridget Jones was so much better. They just sound less whiny when they're British"

This is going to be fun.

posted by k. @ 7:53 PM